gavn8r's sordid past
Where do I begin...
I was born the ninth of twelve children in upper Uzbekistan to a family of poor goat herders. My mother was 63 at the time of my birth.
At the age of three I was separated from my two older brothers while hiking Mount Adelung searching for dry firewood. After days of searching, my family gave up all hope of finding me, imagining that I had been devoured by ravenous wolves. In fact, I hadn't been devoured. I had been adopted.
For the next thirteen years I learned the ways of the wolf. I hunted down wild beasts, I slept in caves, and even challenged my adopted father, клык, to a fight to the death to prove I was the alpha male. When that didn't work out I fled into the wilderness to heal. After four years of foraging and living off the dung of goitered gazelle, I had finally healed enough to join civilized society again. My first order of business was to find my family.
When I finally found them I learned that my mother, father, eight older siblings, and two younger siblings had all perished in a tragic goitered gazelle stampede. I found it ironic that the very animal whose dung had sustained my life for four years had caused the demise of my entire human family. The only thing left for me was the family house cat... which was feral by that point so I had to shoot it. And I ate it.
After relearning to speak, read, and write, I decided to seek a higher education and enrolled in the Carbon Tape Resurfacing program at the Remmington School of Typewriter Repair. I graduated Suma Cum Laude with a Bachelor of Science degree. I then was accepted into the Mobile Playtoy Mechanics School at Reddrider Polytechnic where I graduated at the top of my class with a Master of Science degree. Always desiring to be well rounded, I finished my formal education at the Von Boogin School in Amsterdam, The Netherlands with a Doctorate in Interpretive Dance.
Upon graduation I relocated to the United States where I've settled in to a life of high end audio sales, marketing, and PR. You can learn more about me by following me on Twitter or friending me on Facebook. I'm sure after reading this biography, you have many questions. Questions about wild wolves, gazelle dung, and feral cats. Questions about speaker cables, amplifiers and loudspeakers. Any question you have is welcome. Like this one time I was asked how many blueberry pancakes it takes to shingle the roof of a pig pen. The answer is obvious to a well educated bloke like me. But the person asking the question had no idea that only BANANA WAFFLES are appropriate building materials for shingling the roof of a pigpen.